Consenting To Sex: How Do You Determine Sexual Consent?

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Does consenting to sex only come in a verbal format?

Have you ever verbally consented to sex?

How do you define “consenting to sex”?

Is it wrong for a person to expect or anticipate sex if you go home with them on the first date or within the first meeting?

 

Check out my video response below:

  More Old Simo YouTube videos here

 

Controversial feminist author Camille Paglia has recently released a new book called Free Men Free Women. It calls for a stop to the gender war between the sexes. Paglia wants women to stop blaming men for all their problems. She wants them to work collaboratively with men instead of trying to tear them down. 

 Paglia believes white middle class western women live in a bubble of protection and idealized utopia, which is an extension of their comfortable middle class living rooms. They need to protect themselves and need the freedom to do so. Imploring and relying on parental and societal authoritarian figures to protect them only infantilizes them.

 In the video below, Camille  makes a comment about women consenting to sex. Paglia states that if a girl attends a frat party, meets a boy and goes up to his room she is consenting to sex.

 

 This was very similar to a comment she made in the 90s which also caused outrage and accusations of supporting premeditated rape. “Feminists have told young women that before they have sex with a man, they must give consent as explicit as a legal contract”

 This got me thinking about consenting to sex. Paglia’s makes a great point regarding third wave feminists push for explicit consent akin to a legal contract. This is wishful thinking.

 The reality is that sexual consent is mostly not given in a verbally explicit manner. It doesn’t have to be.  It’s in gestures, body language, sub text, eye contact and acceptance of coded language.

 Teenage boys have this incredibly free sexual license. They are heroes for clocking up numbers. Girls are given a regulated sexual license. Being demure and sexually undemanding is encouraged. Ironically, boys are taught to want this kind of girl.

 I sought consent through trial and error. It never felt right to ask if I could proceed with a sexual action. For example, if I wanted to touch girl’s breasts I would move my hands in that direction. A brush off was a NO. If there was no brush off the answer was YES. Same principle if I wanted to finger a girl. If I wanted to go down on her, I would simply move my face towards the crotch area.

 Teenage girls are often self conscious of self perception and reputation. They never liked me putting my hand on their head and pushing downwards into my crotch for oral sex. I liked doing it, but most of the times I got a brush off for that. They would go down there on their terms and on their own time schedule.

 Being completely naked together was a very good indicator that she was willing to go all the way. However,  my confirmation of her consent was to always pull a condom out and hold it up. I would either receive a yes or a no.

 I couldn’t think of a more organic way. If you ever get a NO or a brush off you don’t even try to proceed. That’s the golden rule.

 Adult women are less overly cautious and more comfortable with their sexualities. They aren’t afraid to demonstrate what they want. In most cases, the cannons of societal expectation and insecurity have melted away.

 I still do not seek explicit consent to sex. Nor do others from me. The trial and error process still applies but in my adult life I have used code terms to determine an interest in the POSSIBILITY of sex:

 Would you like to come back to my place?

Care to come in for a night cap?

 Paglia’s frat house scenario is interesting. I would’t say its 100% accurate.  If a girl goes to a boy’s room within the first evening of meeting him, he has the right to believe that sex might happen. She has the right to believe that he is willing to have sex. Therefore, it’s an indicator of the possibility of consenting to sex. Going to someone’s room in itself is not consent but the action combined with body language can be an indicator that it might happen.

If a woman says yes to my code terms I believe that sex will most likely happen unless she explicitly states that no sex will happen. If she says “only for a little bit, I have an early morning” you prepare yourself for the possibility that it won’t happen.  

 This assumption is not a prelude to sexual assault or rape. Unfortunately expectations are often conflated with horrid premeditation’s of sexual violence. Third wave feminists would like to believe that it is because it fuels the victim-hood fetish of women. Legitimate sexual desire has become a target. What’s next I wonder?……

 

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