Monogamy Can Work. Here’s Why
What are your thoughts on Monogamy?
Is it just wishful thinking or can it work?
Click here for the Old Simo YouTube video library. Monogamy can work. Are you shocked by my statement? Others might be thinking “of course it does. We knew that! Nothing new!”
My ‘monogamy can work’ rationale is dependent on a few factors. Monogamy can work and operate efficiently if certain factors are achieved. Regardless of these factors, it’s true that monogamy does not work for all. One must question why it doesn’t work. Only then can one state that a relationship is functional or dysfunctional.
I don’t want to focus on the marriage aspect of relationships. Overall, I don’t think it’s important in regards to this topic. However, people often do quote marriage vows as a reason for supporting monogamy. “To be faithful, forsaking all others, till death do us part”. I’m not very comfortable with such ideology.
Marriage is many centuries old. People got married in their teen years. Life expectancy was far shorter. The presumption that these people were always virgins, restrictions and beliefs of the time, and the vows that they took made somewhat more sense. People weren’t expected to live very long!
Times have changed. Life expectancy is much greater. We are aware of options. We’re more in tuned to our sexual desires. Monogamy can work efficiently with a few provisos…
I think the mistake that many people make that almost ensures that monogamy doesn’t work is jumping into a serious committed relationship with no prior or very limited sexual knowledge of other people. This can be a recipe for disaster.
My grandparents lived in the old world. The pre globalised world. It was a small existence in many ways. Human nature doesn’t really change. Core sexual desires don’t either. They didn’t have the information and social acceptability to act upon those desires. That’s not to say that they never did in secret.
Neither of my grandfathers were Virginstow pre marriage. One of my grandmothers definitely was. She despised sex. My other grandmother had her eye on a handsome Greek sea captain as a teenager. There were rumors that they were lovers. Something she never confirmed or denied.
My first mentioned grandfather likely had other women whilst married to my sex loathing grandmother. They took vows of fidelity even though they weren’t compatible in most ways. She had no interest in sex, but he did. How can monogamy ever work in that scenario?
My mother claimed to be a virgin when she married my mother. I do believe her. My father also claimed the same thing. I don’t believe him. I asked my mother whether she has been curious about experiencing other men sexually. She says she never has been. That’s not something I quite believe.
Perhaps women are better at controlling sexual interest than men are overall. Maybe finding a soul mate at a certain point in time is enough to provide and enable long term monogamy?
For people who have grown up in a post global modern world, the biggest mistake they can make is getting into a serious relationship/marriage in their late teens and early twenties. This is a period of exploration, and development.
The person you are at 20 is far different and evolved to the person you are at 30. The person you are at 40 is not that significantly different to your 30 year old self.
This developmental youth period should be spent sampling as many different people sexually as possible. It’s the time for experiencing and learning. Not only learning about others but about self. This forms a well rounded person in their late 20s/early 30s who knows what they want and don’t want.
They’ve got practical experience. Sexual curiosities have reduced. Restlessness has eroded and they are ready to take on a serious relationship which includes the promise of monogamy. If you aim to be monogamous I think this is the best way to achieve it long term.
However, I am aware that some people require more sexual variety. This is not necessarily detrimental to a relationship. A relationship can be functional without monogamy. Quite often, people who hooked up very young open their relationship up at a later point to indulge in what they never did during their youth. They want the experiences, yet want to keep the functional relationship. That makes complete sense to me.
An open relationship is problematic when a person only wants to operate that way because they feel that one person’s sexual and aesthetic validation is not enough. That’s an issue with self esteem and self worth.
I could have never given anyone a serious commitment of monogamy till I was 28. I’m 33 now. I have few curiosities left. Therefore, I am able to provide a promise of monogamy and stick to it. I can make it work.
The secret ingredient to making it work is not just practical experience. It’s the practical experience combined with real love and finding a compatible soul mate. That’s the only recipe that makes me want to surrender to monogamy.